Home > Leftovers > The world’s worst Halloween candy – and how it showed up in my house

The world’s worst Halloween candy – and how it showed up in my house

Wow, this is easily the longest writing drought in Sweet Monkey Pie history.  For that, I apologize.  Like always, I’m suffering from the deadly duo of a hectic work schedule to go with an absolute dearth of writing topics.  Well, I solved both today thanks to a lazy Thanksgiving holiday and a peek at my son’s remaining Halloween candy basket.

After about a month of eating on his Halloween candy, we’re down to the dregs.  Gone are the good candies – “fun size” candy bars, individually packed Reese’s cups and packs of Skittles.  We’re down to the stuff that he will only eat if there’s absolutely nothing in the house.

To be sure, some of this candy defies any logic.  So, I thought I’d break down those candy dregs and try to guess what went through the minds of the givers.  And since my son went trick-or-treating at a friend’s neighborhood, I can make as many gross generalizations and snarky comments about these people with little fear of blowback.  Let the judgement begin!!

  • Fruit Stripe gum, 5-piece pack – “I love gum that tastes fantastic for approximately 45 seconds, then it turns into a lifeless gummy mound of crap.”
  • Tootsie Rolls – “This is a classic, and if I dump a handful into every bag, I’ll feel like a hero even though it only costs about $.24/pound.”
  • Spiderman Candy Sticks, 2-piece pack – “I miss the subtle, nuanced flavors of candy cigarrettes, so I found these packs of chalky, basically inedible candy. But they have Spiderman on them. Yeah… I’m cool.”
  • Double Bubble gum – See Fruit Stripe gum
  • Sweetheart Valentine Candy – “Whoa, look what I found.  Leftovers from a holiday 8 months ago! Score!!”
  • Dum Dum suckers (about six different flavors) – “If it’s good enough for Columbo, it’s good enough for these little shits in the neighborhood. And they still come in the ass-tastic root beer flavor.  Huzzah!”
  • Some generic mint-covered chocolate candy – “I saw this in my mom’s retirement home, and boy, it should be a big hit with the kids.”

Well, only 11 months to another influx of bad candy.  I can’t wait to see what we have in store for next Halloween. Or I could just go to Big Lots and buy a pallet of this candy for $1.98 right now.

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Categories: Leftovers
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