Home > Leftovers > Helping a Tiger with his tale

Helping a Tiger with his tale

Earlier today, Tiger Woods fired the apology heard ’round the world.  You read it.  I read it.  We all read it.

As a trained writer and PR flack, I’m always fascinated with celebrity apologies.  I imagine a lawyer and PR guy sitting around a table, pounding out a draft while chugging coffee and saying, “Wait, that might be too revealing” or “Careful… that could be misinterpreted.”  They then email it to a business manager, who makes some edits and dumbs it down even further, before finally sending it to the disgraced athlete/politician/actor/coach who nods and approves it.

What comes out is usually so sanitized that it sounds like it came out of some apology-spitting machine.  You get Chris Brown in his post-Rihanna beat-up days saying things like, “Words cannot begin to express how sorry and saddened I am over what transpired.  I am seeking the counsel of my pastor, my mother, and other loved ones…”

Yeah, very natural from a recording artist who has released songs like “Yo (Excuse Me Miss),” “Gimme That” and “Poppin.”  The fact that his apology used complete words was a warning that he didn’t actually write that.

I’ve always wondered, then, what would happen with an unvarnished, honest and truthful apology.  Why not start with Mr. Woods’ mea culpa.  So, because I have a free 15 minutes tonight, I’m going to write the apology that Tiger could have written.  Without his “handlers” getting in the way.

Dear America and the World,

Many of you have an unnatural obsession with my life.  I get it.  I’m a billionaire golfer.  A pioneer in the world of golf.  The “perfect” guy with the “perfect” life.

But, here’s the thing.  I’m not perfect.  I’m a real person who lives in the glare of the spotlight.  But,  I still want my privacy.  Hell, I even named my yacht “Privacy” as a not-so-subtle nod to that goal.  Get it?  Yet, as I’m learning from some celebrity-stalking media outlets like TMZ and US Weekly, that’s no longer possible.

OK, so let’s get this out of the way.  For all you voyeuristic and mindless losers out there, I’ve been forced to come clean.  As if we didn’t have two wars to fight… or an economic meltdown… or healthcare reform going down.  You want to know about my business.  So, here’s the skinny.

Yes, I hit that.  And that.  And possibly that.  It’s my bad.  And I’m sorry.

You want to know why?  How about the fact that women throw it at me wherever I go?  How about the fact that us high-profile types get seduced by women with ulterior motives (i.e., a big cash payout from US Weekly)?  How about the fact that for my entire life, I’ve been living by everyone else’s plan?  My father’s, my sponsors’ or my management’s.  Not my own.  Guess I snapped a little.

Of course, my wife is now fully aware, and if you wonder if I’ll be punished for my sins, just imagine going through what I’m going through.  Not the public stuff.  The day-to-day private stuff.  I may be rich and famous, but I’m going through hell.  Shit, I can’t even drive out of my own driveway without hitting a tree.  I’m a wreck, people.  Imagine the worst day of your life being lived out on 24/7 cable news.  When’s the last time your fuck up even made the local newspaper?

Do I regret doing it?  Sure.  Do I regret getting caught?  Absolutely.  Will I ever leave someone a voice mail again?  Mum’s the word.

So, take this apology. Or not.  I don’t really care.  Still not sure how this is your business. I hope you enjoy seeing me hit a small round ball into a hole sometime in the future.  Until then, get a life.

Signed,
Tiger

Advertisements
Categories: Leftovers
  1. Exnygal
    December 14, 2009 at 9:13 pm

    THAT IS AWESOME!!! And I would add, “And you think I’m the only one that does this? If so, you are a dumass!

  1. No trackbacks yet.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: