Home > Leftovers > Gates-Crowley-Gate: A Historical-ish View

Gates-Crowley-Gate: A Historical-ish View

It seems we’ve moved past the Michael Jackson ballyhoo to the “beer summitt” tempest in a teacup (or beer stein, as it were).  The media has latched on to the story of how a potential racial profiling case (maybe) was turned into a certifiable media spectacle (kinda).  During the last couple of days, the media and their assorted punditry has specifically focused on whether it was a good idea for Obama to host Professor Gates and Sgt. Crowley on the lawn of the White House.  For beers.  To talk things out.  Personally, I don’t think it’s a bad idea, but it seemed a bit overdone and underwhelming as a climax for a hot-button issue.

Which got me to thinking… how would previous presidents have handled the same situation?  Hmmm… if there was someone with a few minutes of time before he went to sleep to ponder just that point.  So, I give you a special “What if they were in the White House during Gatesgate 2009.”

George W. Bush – Upon hearing the news, Bush ignores it for a few days… finally addresses it in his bi-quarterly press conference… mispronounces Sgt. Crowley as “Cowley” … and ultimately complains to Fox News that these are the types of things that make being a president “hard.”  I would have said Dick Cheney shoots someone in the face, but that’s too easy.

Bill Clinton – Aaaahhh yeah.  Hookers and blow, baby.  Hookers and blow.  How do you think he got the former Yugoslavian states to sign the Dayton Peace Accords?

George H. W. Bush – You know, he kinda had this on a large scale with the LA riots.  And there was nothing funny about that.  At all.  Let’s move on.

Ronald Reagan – Similar to Obama, he gets the necessary parties together for a beer at the White House.  He then starts into long and boring stories about the time he saw Jayne Mansfield’s cans at a party at Humphrey Bogart’s house.  Gates and Crowley start to bicker out of sheer boredom.  The problem escalates, but Reagan naps.

Jimmy Carter – After studying the problem for a couple of weeks and becoming conversant on every angle of racial profiling, Carter calls everyone to the White House, does a few things moderately well, yet everyone leaves with a overall feeling of “meh.”  In a sidenote, Crowley tackles Billy Carter in the Rose Carter because he “saw a redneck pissing on a tree.”  This proves he’s not a racist… just a very strict “anti-trespassing” activist.

Gerald Ford – If history has taught me nothing, it’s that Ford entered the room, fell down and then was unable to do a simple math problem.  It turns out that Saturday Night Live is my only resource for President Ford history.

Richard Nixon – Tricky Dick does a fantastic job of diffusing the issue.  He gets everyone together, makes them play Ping Pong, and Crowley and Gates leave DC as fast friends.  (Nixon is later heard on tape talking about “that skinhead cop” and using a variety of racial epithets for Professor Gates).

So, congrats President Obama.  Based on what could have happened, a couple of beers didn’t hurt anyone.

Categories: Leftovers
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