Home > Leftovers > Top 10 signs for "slow driver ahead"

Top 10 signs for "slow driver ahead"

Earlier today, I got behind a car in traffic, and I knew – without a doubt in my mind – that I would be driving behind a slooooooow moving vehicle.  That got me to think about distinct visual cues that show you that you should just abandon hope, hit the brakes and get ready to poke around town.

So, here are my top 10 signs that the person in front of you will be driving at least 10 mph slower than you would like.  Because it’s always good to see a pain in the ass early.

1.  A luxury sedan with Florida license plates. Obviously, this is going to be a toughie.  Bonus points if the car also has a turn signal permanently flashing.

2.  A minivan with more than three of these stickers: a monogram, a stick-figure family portrait, an elementary school logo, a daycare school logo, any piece of sports equipment (soccer ball, etc.).  If the minivan meets this criteria, then chances are, the soccer mom is also serving up orange slices and using a cell phone while also driving.  The only good thing about following this car is there’s a good chance you can catch a few minutes of Finding Nemo on the van’s DVD player.

3.  Cars with a Kleenex box in the rear dashboard.  Seriously, this one doesn’t make sense, but have you ever been behind one of those cars and not been going well below the speed limit?

4. Any car with more than three “cause” stickers.  If you’re anti-nukes, pro-choice, anti-fur and pro-granola, you’re likely also trying to save the world by driving 30 MPH in a 45 zone.  F you, tree-hugger.  I gotta get to work.

5.  Buicks.  Much as it pains me to say (since I owned three Buicks in my 20s), most Buick owners are so far over the hill that they’re just coasting on the brakes at all times.  Similar to #1, but it’s more specific.

6.  Cars with the “I Love My Wife” bumper stickers.  OK, I can only think of one instance where a slow-poke had this, but the sticker always makes me cackle.  I mean, isn’t that a given?  It makes me want to put a bumper sticker on my car that says, “I Love Your Wife.”  Now THAT’s news.

7.  Any vehicle with one of these stickers.  If the driver thinks this is cool, he/she also may have had a lobotomy.  Just saying.

8.  An Iron Dukes bumper sticker.  Those self-important pricks are just there to slow me down.  (This probably isn’t fair, but I can turn any situation into an anti-Dook rant).

9.  Cars with “I love my [insert toy dog breed].”  I find that generally I have no problem with hound owners. Same for hunting dogs or herding dogs.  The people that own chihuahuas and the like?  They have precious cargo, I guess, and they ain’t moving.  Come to think of it, the dog is probably named “Precious.”

10.  Every car ahead of me this a.m.  Guess that’s why I’m writing this tonight.  The blood pressure has finally returned to normal.

Categories: Leftovers
  1. Exnygal
    May 28, 2009 at 1:37 pm

    You forgot the Flip-flop stickers. ttp://www.carstickers.com/proddetail.php?prod=1052
    I guess this goes along with #2. Not only do they have children in the minivan but they also are in constant beach/vacation state of mind, hence the slow driving.

    And you are correct with the soccer balls, ballet slippers, chearleading pom pom, etc. It further pushes me over the edge when they have their child’s number or name in it. Those people may just be so prissy they drive slow just ‘cuz their s— don’t stink.

  2. RamMan4x4
    May 28, 2009 at 2:07 pm

    7 – (con’t)…this also applies to anyone with the 3D “stuck-onz” (actually has half of a baseball glued to the sticker). These things negatively effect your drag coefficient and cause fuel mileage to drop…that’s strike two D-Bag!!

    12 – Any Cadillac made prior to 2003 (basically, any Caddy that doesn’t look like this: http://www.autowire.net/originalpics/cadillacCTS.jpg). They are always driven by an old women using two phone books and couch cushion so she can see over the steering wheel.

    13 – Anyone that doesn’t accelerate on the on-ramp….THATS THE POINT OF THE ON-RAMP…TO MATCH THE SPEED OF THE CARS ALREADY ON THE ROAD!!

  3. Josh
    June 3, 2012 at 2:31 am

    #1 sign of a too slow vehicle: arm out the window. Put the effing (yeah, effing) window up and turn the A/C on and it won’t seem like you’re going so fast. Morons.

    An addendum to #13 above- coming to a full stop at the top of the entrance ramp, emphasis on entrance. Merging isn’t fun, but it’s a lot harder when you start from zero.

  1. February 6, 2010 at 1:02 pm

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