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The 10 worst songs I know

My buddy Tom got me to try the 25 random songs game a couple of weeks ago, and then trumped it with this challenge.  “Write the 10 worst songs you know. These are songs that are so bad that you have a tangible (negative ) physical reaction when you hear them.”

Turns out, this wasn’t a very hard assignment.  Turns out, I’ve been waiting for this moment my whole damn life.  Turns out, I hate a lot of music.  So, let’s get it on!

  1. “You’re the Inspiration” by Chicago.  My sister loved this song. It was like the perfect song for a 12-year-old girl, but unfortunately, I was a 11-year-old boy who wasn’t into love songs.  She played it damn near constantly for about a year.  Not only did she ruin this song, but if I were to meet Peter Cetera in real life, I might kill the man.  That’s not an understatement.  I would rip off his arm and beat him over the head and shoulders while singing a slightly altered version of “Glory of Love.”  Unless he’s already dead.  Then, my condolences to his family.
  2. “Sail On” by The Commodores.  A virtual dead-heat between this and the Commodore’s other ballad, “Easy.”  Both of them are syrupy adult contemporary schlock, but “Sail On” has the added twinge of being the song that turned a great power-funk group into Lionel Ritchie’s easy-listening incubator.  By the way, I’d love to see the “Behind the Music” episode on this one, with a reenactment of the moment when Lionel’s tries to refine his crappy romantic song while the other members of the Commodores fashion a shiv out of studio equipment.  Bad times, and before you knew it, we were dancing on the ceiling.
  3. “”MMM MMM MMM MMM,” by Crash Test Dummies.  I’m sorry… “MMM, MMM, MMM, MMM” shouldn’t be a song title, a lyric or much less a recorded sound UNLESS you’re filming a breakfast cereal commercial.  This is the only song where the original song was funnier than Weird Al Yankovic’s parody.  End of story.
  4. “Sometimes When We Touch,” by Dan Hill.   When it comes to this list, I could probably throw down 3-4 more of Mr. Hill’s songs.  But this one is breathtaking.  Honestly, it sounds like the man is undergoing a colonoscopy when performing this song.  Jeezy creezy, now it’s in my head!  Get it out of my head!
  5. “This Is How We Do It,” by Montell Jordan.  This isn’t so much a song as it is just a compendium of hip-hop phrases linked together with a dance beat.  To whit: “This is how we do it, all hands are in the air | And wave them from here to there | If you’re an OG mack or a wannabe player | You see the hoods been good to me | Ever since I was a lowercase g |But now I’m a big g. the girls see I got the money | A hundred-dollar bills y’all.”  It’s like he wrote this with a Mad Libs.  And yes I typed the lyric above from memory.  Dammit.
  6. “Baby I’m-a Want You,” by Bread.  Baby, I’m-a hurt you if I ever hear that song again.
  7. “Say Say Say,” by Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney.  Tom went with “Ebony and Ivory,” but I have my own reasons for hating this tune.  A) It sucks.  B) No seriously, it sucks.  C) See also A and B.  D) I have the memory of my second-grade friend Tim singing, “Say, say, say what you want, but don’t leave me with no fried chicken.”  And I haven’t been able to take this song seriously since then.
  8. “Someone’s Knocking at the Door,” by Paul McCartney.  It’s probably not fair that the ex-Beatle/pop icon is on here twice, but this song is just too bad to leave off the list.  I practically lunge at the radio whenever I hear anything Paul McCartney recorded between 1971 and 1984 (we should all forget that the entire “Give My Regards to Broad Street” album happened).  But back to “Someone’s Knocking…” See kids, this is what happens when you smoke too much pot.  You write entire songs about people knocking at the door.  And ringing the bell.  But not being able to get off the couch and “let ‘em in.”  By the way, that little carnival-esque bridge part?  Are you friggin’ kidding me?
  9. “You’re in Love” by Wilson Philips.  This is what happens when you have no-talent kids with famous parents.  You’re allowed, nay, encouraged to write songs that have lines like, “You’re in love | That’s the way | It should be | ‘cuz I want you to be happy | You’re in love | And I know | That you’re not in love with meeeeeee | Oooo, it’s enough | For me to know | That you’re in love | And I’ll let you go |||||||||||||||||.”  Sorry, had a small stroke.  Those are the types of lyrics that made Debbie Gibson sound like Bob Dylan.
  10. “Cherry Pie” by Warrant.  The former lead singer of Warrant, whatshisname, once admitted that this song was written at the behest of the record company… at the last minute… in about 15 minutes.  And all that effort shows.  I have a theory that “Cherry Pie” was so inane that it signaled the end of hair metal, crippled rock-and-roll and directly led to a culture that could support MC Hammer and Vanilla Ice.  So, what I’m saying is, “Cherry Pie” led directly to “Too Legit to Quit.”  And that’s a damning indictment.

Narrowly missing the mark: “Afternoon Delight” by Starland Vocal Band (it did give us two funny movie moments in Anchorman and PCU), “I Just Called to Say I Loved You” by Stevie Wonder (deserves to be on the list, but Jack Black eviscerated it enough in High Fidelity), “Honkytonk Budonkadonk” by Trace Adkins (I’m still not 100% sure that actually happened, because a loving God would have stopped that, right?)

Categories: Music
  1. Exnygal
    April 20, 2009 at 4:34 pm

    I would like to add Mony, Mony and Love Shack. Both songs way OVERPLAYED in the small high school i attended. We had that small town way of killing the joy out of any song by jumping up and down expecially to Mony, Mony. And we of course never said the right chorus to that song. Which I will refrain from stating here. My Momma would slap me still.

  1. May 5, 2009 at 10:37 pm
  2. January 4, 2010 at 1:03 am

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