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Learnin' to hate, the ACC way

Tonight, I was watching the Dook-Wake Forest game, and, naturally, supporting the Deacons with all my might.  Not that I have any allegiance to the Demon Deacons or anything.  I just hate Dook more.  In that sense, watching league basketball games is a lot like being a coked-up Andy Dick at a bar … there’s a good chance you’ll find yourself with some strange bedfellows.

So, as a public service (and because I have a few extra minutes tonight coupled with a decent idea for a blog post), I’m going to give you some reasons to add some hate to your viewing pleasure during the ACC basketball season. This is for basketball only, but it will reference football from time to time.  Why?  Just makes it easier.

Let’s go through the list and get our hate on.  We’ll do this alphabetically, sparing nobody along the way.

  • Boston College – OK, there’s a “college” in the ACC? Fantastic. What’s next, a junior college?… OK, I’ll admit that first one was weak, but this was a hard one to start… They’re in a pro sports town, so nobody in Beantown cares about them, so why should I?… Seriously, a big BC win is like on page 5 of the Boston Globe… Bill Curley was a sonuvabitch.
  • Clemson – I’m sorry, that’s just hunting orange, and this is basketball not a deer hunt … Clemson fans are incredibly passionate, which if you’re not one of them, pegs them in that nether-region betwixt insufferable and wildly delusional… Rick Barnes was an incredible ass (Clemson fans have admitted as much to me)… their fans put a phantom “p” and make it Clempson.
  • Dook – As the old show tune said, “If they asked me, I could write a book”… in fact, books have been written about people’s hatred of Dook… Arrogant, yankee twits… Dook hate has spawned a couple of good websites – truthaboutduke.com and firecoachk.com… Laettner’s foot stomp, Battier’s wrinkled noggin, a crying Chris Collins, a myriad useless white guys screaming on the bench, Coach K dog-cussing referees, etc.  Seriously, if you need a reason to hate Dook, you probably went there.
  • Florida State – The annoying tomahawk chop… The fact that their band played the tomahawk chop at the UNC football game in 2001 even as they were down by 20+ points… They’re a football school, so you hear a lot of unwarranted whining from the stands during basketball games… They currently have girls clog dancing or something at halftime of the UNC-FSU game (WTF was that about?)… Free Shoes University… Sam Cassell’s peanut head.
  • Georgia Tech – [Stared blankly at the computer screen for a good minute]… Oh, my buddy Nipsey did an internship there right out of college, and he fondly remembers walking over discarded smack needles on his way to work… It’s an engineering school, so it’s got that bizarre macho-geeky combo going… They had a guy in the 80s named Yvon Joseph, which always sounded like a female R&B singer… Yeah, i’m running out of steam.
  • Maryland – Their students are typically “lauded” as the most profane and classless bunch in the conference… Head coach Gary Williams always screams at the guys on his bench instead of the guys on the floor (why, coach? they didn’t do anything!)… Gary is also the sweatiest man this side of Shaquille O’Neal… And he ranks only second to Coach K for most diverse cussing vocabulary… They have too many colors (red, white, black and yellow??).
  • Miami – The entire Jimmy Johnson era… They’re named after a meteorological event that could wipe them off the face of the earth… Filled with self-important rich kids who wanted to go to a warm-weather school… Like FSU, it’s a football school, so their basketball IQ tends to be rather low.
  • North Carolina – Even though I’m an alum, I grew up a NC State fan and was once well-armed for this discussion… Carolina fans can be an arrogant bunch… Baby blue?  Who wears baby blue in major college sports?… They get all the calls (a funny argument when Dook fans make it, by the way)… They get too much (or just too much positive) media coverage… Tyler Hansbrough flops too much… Winning every year is elitist.
  • NC State – The school and its fans are suffering an identity crisis (football school some years, basketball schools some years)… Ms. Wolf is a tramp… A sense of defeat has crept into the basketball program, leading to a feeling of pity (and who needs that?)…  Seriously, some of my Wuffie friends are “taking the year off” from basketball this year. You can’t do that.
  • Virginia – Their founder and original benefactor was a slave owner who also had jungle fever… UVa fans can be even more arrogant than UNC fans… See “Clemson, hunting orange”… They once signed a whole team of guys named Alexander with a first name that began with C (Chris, Corey, Courtney… Clint? Cletus?)… Ralph Sampson’s bony ass…  Inexplicably lost to Chaminade once, so you know you can’t trust ’em.
  • Virginia Tech – Another “Johnny come lately” ACC school, and we wanted Syracuse anyway…  Suffers the FSU/Miami “football school first” syndrome… They used to have a guy named Ace Custis, which was just weird… They didn’t recruit famed alum Dell Curry’s boy, leaving young Stephon to go to Davidson… Uh, this is a tough one. I’d really only turn on VaTech if they were playing the Heels.
  • Wake Forest – Billy Packer went there…During the 1997 ACC Tournament, the Wake Forest sports info crew showed up for the finals (UNC vs. NC State) all wearing red… Assholes… Wake almost gave Dook that game tonight, and that would have pissed me off… Billy Packer, in case you forgot… Mugsy Bogues allegedly had dozens of kids out of wedlock before he left Winston-Salem… They’ve choked in big NCAA tourney games since Bill Packer went there.

Well, I hope that helps everyone in their ACC basketball viewing this season. Have fun hatin’.  It’s the only way to go.

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