Home > Sports, TV > Today's can't miss idea: Let's tell Peter King to write a sitcom…

Today's can't miss idea: Let's tell Peter King to write a sitcom…

…except we won’t tell him he’s writing a sitcom. We’ll tell him he’s scripting a new drama about the cutting-edge issues surrounding the NFL. What he comes up with, however, will be knee-slapping, full-force hilariousness of untold proportions.

Seriously, in his latest “Monday Morning Quarterback” column, he has not only jumped the shark, but he has jumped it, turned the boat, ran over the shark, filleted it with his propeller, cooked it, and served it up in his own restaurant.

Two items about caused my head to explode. First, his take on Jets fans not showing up for Brett Favre’s first game in green and white:

I think I don’t want to hear what great fans the Jets have. Not for a long time. That crowd Saturday night was a disgrace. At least half the stadium was empty for Favre’s debut in a Jets’ uniform. I expressed my amazement to a few fellow scribes Saturday night — emphasizing that N.Y. traded for an all-time-great quarterback, not a broken-down one — and they gave varying reasons for the poor turnout. Like it’s the middle of vacation month for New Yorkers, and it’s a preseason game. Horsefeathers. If you really love your team, and you have season tickets, you should have been at that game unless you were in Tibet. Ridiculous.

Gee, where do we start? 1) I want to know who’s telling King that Jets have “great fans.” Isn’t there most recent claim to fame being that women show their hooters during the game on the concourses? Good fans, maybe, but who’s saying they’re great? 2) You got “varying reasons” because there are a damn good number of reasons. It’s preseason ball. Favre’s only going to play for a series. It’s vacation season. 3) Maybe Favre has damaged his reputation by this “is you is or is you ain’t” mentality of the past three years. 4) Hell, maybe everyone doesn’t like Brett Favre as much as Peter King (and John Madden.) 5) Who says, much less writes, the word “Horsefeathers?” Are you Daddy Warbucks and the stock market crashed?

What’s ridiculous is a writer who sits in the press box and blasts fans for not supporting a team.

What’s ridiculous is being unable to look beyond your own allegiance to your sports hero and poking fun at a hard-working, blue-collar fan base who is on the cusp of getting PSL’d out of their tickets when the new stadium is built.

What’s ridiculous is that he thinks this is helping the league and/or the Jets with this crap.

OK, so that wasn’t funny ha-ha (not sitcom material), but this next one is:

I hope Alicia Sacramone does not carry her fall off the balance beam the same way Bill Buckner was forced to carry the Mookie Wilson grounder between his legs in 1986. It’s not fair.

Now, there’s funny. There’s really funny. And then there’s this. Are you freakin’ kidding me? What made the Bill Buckner thing much more horrible than, say, the Scott Norwood or Jackie Smith affairs (Peter, I’m trying to use NFL references) was the Boston sports fan and his/her inability to forgive and forget.

Bill Buckner’s tragedy was not the grounder through the legs. It was all of the fury heaped on him by obsessive fans afterwards. Are you trying to say that Sacramone is in danger of that? Who is that obsessive about gymnastics???!?!?! Even gymnasts aren’t that obsessive!!!! I’m running out of ways to punctuate my screaming@!@$#%^&&*(

[Plus, grammatically speaking, that last phrase is just awful. It makes it sound like Buckner is walking around… carrying a “Mookie Wilson grounder”… between his legs… throughout the entire calendar year of 1986. As if it was an appendage. In my 10 things I think I think, I think that’s a poorly-written sentence.]

Anyhoo, keep up the good work, Mr. King. As a fellow scribe (and please, stop using that phrase), I find your writing has now become some of the funniest stuff to read every week. We lost Dave Barry’s column a few years ago, but we still have you. Not everything is this good, mind you, but there are always 2-3 nuggets that are just Seinfeld-esque in their absurdity. And that’s just genius. Fox should sign you to a development deal. Because, let’s recall what you wrote last year:

I could watch the Frank Caliendo stuff about a hundred more times. He’s funnier today than Belushi was 30 years ago. He’s even got George Bush’s facial expressions down pat. I mean, they’re perfect.

The defense rests, your honor.

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