Home > Music, TV > Sweet monkey pie, I HATE Dancing with the Stars

Sweet monkey pie, I HATE Dancing with the Stars

Since my son is totally a servant of the Walt Disney Company, he is well versed in the Cheetah Girls, a made-for-TV girl group that’s been the subject of two movies thus far. Think En Vogue meets the Osmonds. So, when Dancing with the Stars premiered last week with Sabrina Bryan, one of the Cheetah Girls, as a contestant, my 5-year-old became a DWTS fan.

I’ve talked before about how I hate shows like American Idol, but this is my first real experience with watching more than two minutes. And in the words of my first hero in journalism – Opus from Bloom County – as he reviewed a horrid movie, DWTS can charitably be described “terminally putrid.”

I mean, why do so many millions of Americans watch these shows? Do you honestly get home every night and say, “You know what, honey? I want to watch some people sing/dance on TV who are completely underqualified. And I want to vote on who’s the most qualified of the rabble they present to me.” If this was the case, wouldn’t we all be lining up for amateur night at the local community playhouse’s production of Fiddler on the Roof?

You do realize, of course, this line of thinking led to things like Pet Rocks, Paris Hilton and our previous couple of presidents.

Why does DWTS suck so badly? Oh, lemme count the ways. It really touches all the bases of crapitude.

  1. Hypercritical judges with a British accent. Idol has Simon. DWTS sees your Simon and raises you two effete Brits.
  2. B and C-list celebrity sitings. In my second Osmonds reference tonight, Marie Osmond was just doing a mambo, and just I was trying to keep my dinner down, they show Donnie and all 44 of his teeth applauding. Then I got that “Soldier of Love” song in my head. Now, I’m afraid I’m having a stroke.
  3. Tom Bergeron. Want TV of questionable quality? Hollywood Squares. Check. American’s Funniest Home Videos. Check. He was born for this role.
  4. Bad, bad, bad music. Why does DWTS have to have a live orchestra and cut-rate singers to back up these chuckleheads? Tonight, I’ve had to listen to karaoke-esque versions of “Take on Me” by A-Ha, “Viva Las Vegas” by Elvis, and “99 Luftballoons” by Nena. This is why DWTS really goes beyond Idol on the suckitude scale. It combines incompetent celebrities (think Celebrity Jeopardy) with the low-grade, soulless singing that Idol delivers.

Since I just got shushed by The Wife for making too many snarky comments about this abomination, I’m fleeing upstairs to watch some Monday Night Football. If Tony Kornheiser is singing 80s tunes, I’m moving to Canada.

Wait, Jenny Garth is coming up after the break… mmmm… Kelly from 90210. OK, forget what I said. This show’s OK.

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Categories: Music, TV
  1. richard
    October 1, 2007 at 10:16 pm

    You listed all the reasons why I love DWTS!

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