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DIRECTV ads I'd like to see

Sweet Monkey Pie has gotten a little sports-heavy, but this being March — and me being a huge basketball fan — it’s a hard habit to break. And since the wife and kid were visiting family this weekend, I had the honor and privilege to watch approximately 320 hours of basketball since Thursday afternoon. Rather than rehash the NCAA tourney, let’s talk about something non-basketball-related: those new-ish DIRECTV ads.

You know the ones… they get actors from recent movies or TV shows to reenact a scene, but this time, they’re pimping DIRECTV. The first one I saw had Bill Paxton driving the truck in Twister and when the cow comes flying by, he starts extolling the benefits of the cable TV service. I’ve also seen them with Turtle from HBO’s Entourage and Doc Brown from Back to the Future (over and over and over).

These are good ads, and even though the actors have aged 10-20 years in some cases, they still fit in very well with the older footage. I’m guessing CGI is involved.  However, I don’t think they’ve pushed the envelope enough. Here are some DIRECTV ads I’d like to see:

Subject: Mickey Rourke, John in Nine 1/2 Weeks
Scene: John and Elizabeth get down and dirty in front of the fridge, as he feeds her various foods

Script:

[Show John feeding Elizabeth the grapes or strawberries. Then, in the new scene, a heavily retouched Mickey Rourke – seriously the man looks like death – turns to the camera] Yeah, this is sexy and all, but as soon as we’re done, all I want to do is sit down and enjoy some DIRECTV. They have crystal-clear digital picture on every channel. It’s pretty great. Now, where’s that cucumber? [John turns back to Elizabeth]

Subject: Morgan Freeman, Red in Shawshank Redemption
Scene: Red approaches Andy in Mexico at Zihuatanejo (by the way, how did Red find that without a Google search?)


Script:

[Set the scene with Red walking on the beach, with Andy working on that boat. Red abruptly turns around and speaks to the camera] I told Andy I’d find him in Zihuatanejo, but on one condition. They had to have DIRECTV here. Because I’ve been in the joint all my life, and I need to catch up on a lot of pop culture. The best way to do that is with several hundred satellite channels, many of them now in HD. [Red turns and we pick the original movie back again as the camera pans back to see Red approaching Andy on the beach]

Subject: Ted Levine, Jame ‘Buffalo Bill’ Gumb in Silence of the Lambs
Scene: The iconic “put the lotion in the basket scene” in which Buffalo Bill is screaming at his prisoner in that pit.

Script:

[Old scene] Now it places the lotion in the basket. [Girl screams about wanting to go home. Buffalo Bill turns to the camera] You know, if she would just put the lotion in the basket, I’d be able to go back to watching DIRECTV. One of the HD channels is showing a documentary about sex changes. Should be pretty cool. [Turns back to the pit] Put the fucking lotion in the basket!

OK, at least one of those is over the line… and the other two don’t really make sense. But they were fun to write. After four days of basketball, I really needed the break.

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Categories: Movies, TV
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