Home > TV > This just in: Santa is inadequate

This just in: Santa is inadequate

Welcome back, kids. This weekend, like most Americans, I watched a lot of TV. A LOT of TV. And while viewing several dozen football games, I noticed a disturbing trend in TV commercials. This year, Santa is inadequate.

The first of example I saw of this phenomenon was a Best Buy commercial. Two small kids are waiting for gifts by the Christmas tree. Santa shows up, and he thinks he’s going to have to hide from the kiddies. Except they’re fixated on the Best Buy box. Nothing matters except for the Best Buy gift. Too bad, Santa. Maybe next year you’ll have the hottest electronics and games. ’til then, keep your fat self in the corner.

And take the most recent Verizon commercial, where everyone in the mall is asking the smug Verizon guy (who’s hanging with his posse, aka “the network”) for Christmas gifts. The line to see the Verizon guy is about 20 deep. Santa is across the way and yells to him, “Hey, I’m working here!” Hey Santa, you’re more out of touch than Andy Rooney when his tapioca runs out. Can you hear me now?

Another ad shows Santa coming home, looking all sad and depressed. Mrs. Claus asks how things went, and Santa says something to the effect of, “Oh, it doesn’t matter anymore, now that everyone is giving out those Home Depot gift cards.”

[Note: I looked on Youtube and Google video for clips of these commercials, but they aren’t around. If anybody finds them, I’ll link to ’em.]

Anyway, Santa, I’m sorry to say that you appear to be worthless. Such a great way to ramp up the holiday season. I actually found myself explaining to my 4-year-old son that these are just jokes… and that Santa isn’t really a lame parody of himself.

Hell, I was waiting to see an ad with Santa making a desparate call to a suicide hotline. “Mr. Claus, it’s normal to feel depressed around the holidays. Now, take the gun out of your mouth and give it to the elves.”

It’s weird. We’ve seen captalism slowly take down a number of institutions. The Mom & Pop store is now a thing of the past, thanks to the rampant power of the Wal-Marts and Home Depots. Red China is now Communist-lite after the Maoists started keeping a few of those kick-ass products they were pumping out in mass quantities. Even Soviet Russia couldn’t withstand the siren call of Levis jeans and Reeboks. Nosiree… the inherent good/evil of capitalism ultimately lays waste to everything in its path.

But, it’s gotten Santa this year. Or so sayeth the retailers. Dammit.

Fa la la la laaaa la la la laaaaa.

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