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Random, not-so-deep thoughts

Every so often — typically as I’m driving or walking the dog — I come up with snippets of ideas for blog entries. Usually, however, these ideas aren’t… um… well-reasoned thoughts. But rather than get rid of them, I’m going to throw out some of the things that are kicking around my head. And bear in mind, I’m not — nor have I ever been — in a mental institution.

Oh, and one other caveat. I’ll be writing these in the often-imitated-but-never-duplicated style of Larry King’s USA Today columns. Does he still do those, by the way? Or has wife #8 put the kibosh on that? And for some reason, “put the kibosh” is a phrase so antiquated, it was actually only popular when Larry was a little boy… in the 18th century.

OK, here we go. Enjoy.

I like to think that the reason that the girl died in Guns-n-Roses’ “November Rain” video is because the wedding cake fell on her… Seriously, it’s the last thing you see before the climactic, overdone funeral scene (you know, starting with Axl’s piano solo)… Also, by the time the cake hit the ground, GNR’s career was pretty much in the toilet… What an ostentatious piece of drivel that song was — the video, too… By the way, my girl Lil’ Bit says the proper way to abbreviate this band’s name is “GN effin’ R”… You have to make the devil sign while screaming it, apparently.

One of the funniest moments in movie history is when Paul Rudd tells that dude with the goatee in The Forty-Year-Old Virgin, “You know how I know that you’re gay? You listen to Coldplay”… HBO used to always show the same bad movies over and over (anybody else remember the Summer Catch period?). Now they’re kicking Dodgeball, Anchorman, and The Forty-Year-Old Virgin... It’s like I’m running that network.

Mark Wahlberg’s upcoming movie Invincible is merely Rudy in the pros… Well, Marky Mark doesn’t have to go to class and get Jon Favreau to be his tutor… But has Marky Mark made a bad movie yet? A bad music video, yes (C’mon, C’mon. Feel it. Feel it), but not a bad movie.

I’m completely terrified of the craps table in Vegas… What the hell is the “Don’t come” line… I could combine a Marky Mark reference from the last paragraph to make a Dirk Diggler reference, but I won’t… And for my money, there’s nothing sweeter than the first Swingers reference when you land in Vegas… And there’s nothing better than a well-timed Caddyshack reference while playing golf.

You know you’ve watched too much children’s TV when you wonder which female cast member has the nicest rack… That goes doubly for Sesame Street… Well, Gina the vet started to look good, but only if you watched the show for a couple of years… Then she went on the Sopranos and did some partial nudity… And it was weird watching PBS the next day.

I think the irony of the Mel Gibson anti-semitic drunken rant is that it is taking the media heat off of Israel… That’s ironic, but not like rain on your wedding day… I think at some point, Congress should force Alanis Morissette at gunpoint to write a song with lyrics that are actually ironic… Ironic would have been rain on your wedding day after you moved it to Tempe, Ariz. because it never rains there… It’s hard to find a rhyme for Arizona.

Do you think that William H. Macy is getting pissed that Paul Giamatti and Philip Seymour Hoffman are out-stepping him as the “everyman” role-player in every big movie?… Wouldn’t Philip Seymour Hoffman be a great name for an assassin and/or serial killer, due to the great three-name combo?… If you put Kevin Costner, Andie MacDowell, Madonna and Mark Hamill in the same movie, would all the bad acting create a horrible movie or just a fascinating but wretched movie?

One of the highlights of my life was finding out that former UNC volleyball player and uber-hottie, Amber Willey, recently posed for Playboy… Man, when she was at UNC, watching volleyball was a treat… But finding out that she was in Hef’s publication was only topped when my neighbor John found the pictures online… Yes, John will be written into my will.

To start a home-improvement show on TLC, A&E or H&G channels is a studly carpenter, annoying homeowners and, most importantly, a cute-but-not-quite-out-of-this-world host chick… You heard it here first: the next improvement show will be a combination of Trading Spaces and Pimp My Ride where they trick out an RV… The over/under on Cousin Eddie references I’d make each episode? 12.

Living with a puppy is like living with a bipolar incontinent midget on speed… Except the puppy makes less sense… And bites a little more (maybe).

I think only 3-4 people read this whole blog… I’m pretty sure I can call them by name…

Categories: Leftovers
  1. August 3, 2006 at 7:38 pm

    Am I one of the four?

    I guess so.

    And for my money, nicest rack goes to that little ethnic girl who grew up on Sesame Street. It’s okay. She’s legal now.

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