Home > Sports, TV > Shocked and dismayed at the Preakness

Shocked and dismayed at the Preakness

Like many Americans, I sat down to watch a little horse racing on Saturday. The Preakness was coming on, and after Barbaro’s breakaway win at the Kentucky Derby, the day promised to be a memorable one. One fantastic horse… a chase for the Triple Crown… yeah, it was going to be good times. And since I use a Visa card, I was everywhere that I wanted to be. Or something like that.

My old college roommate, bmoore, was in town from Orlando, and he and I were catching up. bmoore, a former member of Critically Caucasian, is so named because… well his middle initial is B. and his last name is Moore. Some nicknames come easier than others.

Anyway, the Preakness was on in the background. Suddenly, we were slammed back in our chair by a display so shocking and unexpected that it left us virtually speechless.

I’m referring, of course, to ESPN’s Thea Andrews showing some nice high beams during the pre-race coverage. Or, if you’d like, she had her “party hats” on.  Man, that made for some good TV.  It was all there. A very fashionable (and apparently light-weight) yellow top. A very attractive announcer. And, what most have been an unseasonably cool early afternoon in Maryland.

Plus, the display of the protrusions often followed various insights from ESPN’s Hank Goldberg, who is giving Gilbert Gottfried a run for unsexiest man in entertainment. Hank — who has never been a svelte individual — looks to have put on another 40 pounds since I’ve last seen him. Over 80% of that has to be neck fat.

Anyway, Jabba would give his predictions on the early races (he was consistently wrong, by the way) and throw it over to Thea. She’d make a few points, but our eyes would drift south… then left… then right…

Of course, bmoore and I were in hysterics. Isn’t it amazing that two grown men can automatically revert to giggling teenage guys because of something like this? Within seconds of the first appearance of the best two things on TV all afternoon, the cracks started.

bmoore: “I don’t think that’s a fold in the fabric. That’s all Thea.”

Me imitating the lead announcer on the report: “We’re going to throw it down to Thea now for a weather update. Thea, it looks a little cold. How will that affect the fillies in this race?”

bmoore: “Do you think the producer in the control truck has noticed it and hasn’t quite figured out a way to mention it without getting slapped with a sexual harassment suit?”

Me again: “The Sport of Kings indeed.” I have no idea what that means.

Of course, there was the obligatory retelling of the department store scene from National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (“Yeah, it is a bit nipply out. I mean nippy. What am I saying, nipple?”). This went on for a few more minutes. It was a solid afternoon at the old homestead.

This had to have been the most memorable appearance by a female reporter (in my mind, at least) since the local NBC affiliate’s weekend anchor/spokesbunny made a mistake when reading the teleprompter for a story about violence in the Gaza Strip. She mentioned that the Palestinian youth were throwing “mazel tov cocktails.” I’ll let you savor the irony.

Anyway, bmoore and I continued to delight in poor Thea’s misfortune. I even ‘fessed up to the shenanigans to the Wife, who was taking a nap when bmoore and I were wallowing in sophomoric humor. She mentioned that Victoria’s Secret has a new Ipex bra that would have helped poor Thea out. Apparently it covers the nipply region with minimal fabric. I mention this only because when I mention Victoria’s Secret in my blog, the Wife can’t slap me for browsing their beautiful website. See here, here, and by all means here.

I should say something about Barbaro’s injury, but that’s been covered way too much. I think it overshadowed another incredible accomplishment. Nope, not Bernardini’s unexpected victory. The day was made by a nice yellow blouse and contents within. God bless you, Thea Andrews. Thanks for the mammaries… uh, memories.

Categories: Sports, TV
  1. May 23, 2006 at 11:18 am
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