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Faux Newz… Why couldn't this happen?

We take a break from the average, everyday blog for breaking news straight from my imagination…

Homeland Security Raises Threat Index; Concerned about Fergie’s ‘Humps,’ ‘Lady Lumps’

Washington, DC (OPP) – The Homeland Security Department raised the terrorist threat level to burnt orange (the little-used “Shit Your Pants” level) today in the wake of “substantial” security threats that the agency received via a recording attributed to Stacy Ferguson (a.k.a., Fergie), a member of the popular hip-hop group Black Eyed Peas.

A source close to the investigation confirms that an audiotape of Ferguson’s threats to U.S. interests caused alarm in the highest levels of the Homeland Security administration. After analyzing the tape over two weeks, the source confirmed that officials believe that Ferguson’s boasts of threatening “humps” and “lady lumps” could directly affect the public.

College-age interns at the agency, who were most familiar with the group, corroborated that Fergie’s humps were “da bomb,” providing independent confirmation on a terrorist threat from the singer. Homeland Security officials also sought confirmation from their giggling teenage children.

“During the recording, you can clearly hear an undercover law enforcement operative ask Ferguson what she intended to do with her ‘humps,'” said Brick Tamlin, spokesman for the Homeland Security Department. “We’re quite terrified, and we advocate the American public to panic immediately.”

In the tape, Ferguson’s asserts that her “humps” are capable of inflicting significant damage on unsuspecting civilians. Officials believe that the “humps” can work in conjunction with her “lumps.” The power of the still-unknown weapon or weapons seems to effectively target young males, who are forced to spend time and, more importantly, money on her to keep the “humps” from doing any harm.

“I mean, what is she going to do with all that junk, all that junk inside her trunk?” Tamlin asked, weeping softly. “Clearly, she is planning a car bombing of some sort. Some theories point to a biological or neurological weapon, given her assertion that citizens will get ‘love drunk’ off her hump.

“Now she’s demanding ices, as well as something called Dolce and Gabbana. Well, this government does not negotiate with terrorists.”

The White House was quick to act, with press secretary Tony Snow taking questions in a hastily-called press conference. While Snow tried to downplay the immediate concern of a massive strike against the U.S. infrastructure, he echoed Homeland Security’s concerns.

“President Bush has been an active participant in monitoring this threat, even putting down his PSP through portions of the last meeting,” Show said. “We’re concerned that her ‘lady lump’ might be a new method of arming suicide bombers.”

The identity of the operative interrogating Ferguson on the tape was later leaked to columnist Bob Novak, who reported the undercover agent was William James Adams Jr., a.k.a. will.i.am, another member of the Black Eyed Peas. Snow later admitted that the president declassified the identity of the undercover officer “on a dare” posed by the Bush’s college frat buddy.

The Black Eyed Peas are currently on the run, reportedly on a world tour. The tour, now dubbed the “World Tour… of… Terror” by Fox News correspondent Geraldo Rivera, is under close surveillence by Homeland Security operatives. Officials also expect Colin Powell to address the UN Security Council, calling for an investigation of “booties of mass destruction.”

Categories: Leftovers, Music
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