Home > Leftovers > A magazine for the rest of us

A magazine for the rest of us

Every so often, I have an idea that just sounds like a get-rich-quick scheme. Of course, in practice, it would be a go-completly-bankrupt-quick scheme. Because if I came up with the idea, then certainly somebody reasonably intelligent came up with it first.

Take my idea for combining shower gel with sunscreen. See, with the ozone level depleting and UV levels on the rise, I figured that the only way to make sure I wore sunscreen is if I applied it automatically in the shower each morning. Everyone who I’ve told about this idea has been intrigued… but then they pepper me with valid questions. How does the sunscreen sink in? Wouldn’t it all wash off? Do you have a degree in chemistry? What the hell are you talking about?

So, yeah… that idea has some issues. But my next can’t-miss idea is even more interesting. Say you’re at a magazine rack. Single females can pick from Vogue, Claire, Elle or other magazines with trite first names. If you’re a woman who’s into… I dunno, house stuff you have Good Housekeeping, Redbook, Ladies Home Journal. If you’re a single guy, take your pick of Maxim, Stuff, Gear, FHM or Barely Concealed Cleavage Monthly. I might be making up one of those.

If you’re a married man? Better get a hobby (fishing, golf, watching sports, etc.) because we got nothing for ya.

Seriously, why don’t I get a magazine? I’m a married guy with a kid. My goal each day is to wake up, get the kid ready for school, get myself ready for work, get through the day without getting fired, and get through the evening without hassling the wife. That happens five days a week. I can only play golf, at most, one day a week. So, a huge majority of the week goes by, and I don’t have a periodical to help me through it.

What can Maxim tell me about my life? Nothing, except that there are a bunch of ways to trick 20-something girls into bed, and if I read those articles, I get a bit pissed off at the world. Because I sure as hell didn’t know that info when I was 20-something. And Maxim, Gear and FHM always have an unattainable hot young lady on the cover and in various stages of disrobitude inside. This is a tangent, but the Family Guy’s Peter Griffin sums up my feeling about hot young actresses in this rant:

You know what really grinds my gears? This Lindsay Lohan. Lindsay Lohan with all those little outfits, jumping around there on stage, half-naked with your little outfits. Ya know? You’re a…You’re out there jumping around and I’m just sitting here with my beer. So, what am I supposed to do? What you want? You know, are we gonna go out? Is that what you’re trying to – why why are you leaping around there, throwing those things all up in my, over there in my face? What do you want, Lindsay? Tell me what you want? Well, I’ll tell you what you want, you want nothing. You want nothing. All right? Because we all know that no woman anywhere wants to have sex with anyone, and to titillate us with any thoughts otherwise is – is just bogus.

My magazine – tentatively titled Spouse Illustrated – would contain articles to help get me… I mean, any married man through the day. I guess the first cover guy would be Ray Romano, who played one of the most realistic married guys on TV. Plus, he was one of those schlubs who got to act like he was married to a very unattainable woman.

The articles would be there to help guys like me through our everyday problems. Stuff like, “Ways to Answer the ‘What Are You Thinking’ Question,” or “Top 10 Answers to ‘Do I Look Fat in This?’ and ‘Do You Think She’s Sexy?'” There could be a point-counterpoint on keeping your masculinity while driving a minivan. Perhaps a nice three-part expose on the best riding lawn mowers. You know, helpful stuff. If it has to do with being a good spouse, a good dad, a good provider and a good employee, we’d have it. Tell me this wouldn’t work.

So, all I need is several million dollars, a staff and a freakin’ clue about how to start a magazine. Nipsey’s on-board already as an unpaid (hopefully) consultant as I look to launch the other SI. He thinks the unmarried man’s point-of-view will be a good addition to the publication. If nothing else, it would probably generate a lot of hate mail.

Already, the magazine’s off to a bumpy start. Just like all my ideas. Dammit.

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Categories: Leftovers
  1. May 18, 2006 at 1:39 pm

    I could do a four-part series entitled “Flirtin’ with Disaster:Getting Drunk (And Staying There) at Your In-Laws’ House.”

    I’ve already done the research.

  1. January 4, 2010 at 1:02 am

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