Home > Movies > Somebody get Samuel L. Jackson on the phone

Somebody get Samuel L. Jackson on the phone

There’s a lot going on in the world right now. The war in Iraq rages on. Jack Abramoff got nearly six years in prison for showing that the phrase “crooked lobbyist” isn’t a contradiction in terms. And President Bush has replaced Andy Card as his chief of staff with yet another middle-aged white man whose primary job qualification is a long and distinguished track record of blindly supporting W. (man, I did NOT see that coming).

But, nothing… NOTHING… beats this story. Apparently, there’s a psycho cat that’s terrorizing residents of Fairfield, Conn. That’s right. A deranged, people-stalking feline is on the loose and hunting down Connecticans. Connecticutions? Connecticats? Whatever.

Check out this section:

…the black-and-white longhaired cat – dubbed the “Terrorist of Sunset Circle” – would attack from behind and without warning, as two-time victim Janet Kettman explained: “I was walking along the sidewalk when he sprang at me. I never saw it coming, but that’s how it often is. He comes at you from behind, springs and wraps himself around your legs, biting and scratching.

“The last time I had three bites and eight scratches and I ended up at the walk-in clinic. The Avon lady was getting out of her car when Lewis attacked her from behind. She ended up going to the hospital.”

Eyewitnesses describe the beast as looking like Felix the Cat and sporting “six toes on each foot, each with a long claw”.

This, my friends, is why we have the Internet. Jon Stewart once described the Internet as a way for folks to pass notes as if they were still in high school. If it wasn’t for the Internet, I may have never heard of this story. And since I hate cats — and have really no reason for this — I need all the ammo that I can get. Now, you can ask me why I don’t like cats, and I’ll say it’s because Lewis is somewhere waiting to kick my ass.

By the way, Nipsey would be super-pissed if I didn’t at least acknowledge the “he comes at you from behind… biting and scratching” line without drawing a Marv Albert reference. And there it is. Yay, me!

So, why, as the title of this blog suggests, should somebody get Samuel L. (Motherf*cking) Jackson on the phone? Well, he’s starring in the upcoming movie titled, Snakes on a Plane. This cinematic triumph is about an assassin who, in an effort to kill a witness, lets loose a crate a deadly snakes on a plane. It’s pretty much about snakes on a plane. Why are there snakes on plane? I dunno, but as the title says, there are snakes. On a plane. Yessir. Snakes on a plane.

[By the way, is this the most on-the-nose movie title of all time? OK, maybe movie titles like Forrest Gump or Jerry Maguire aren’t all that imaginative, but imagine if they were called Alabama Idiot Has a Long, Strange Trip or Sports Agent Shows Wannabe Superstar Wide Receiver the Money, respectively. I’m trying to think of a more plainly obvious title. Any thoughts?]

To fully appreciate the epic badness of this movie, you merely have to watch the trailer. Did they pitch this movie like this: “It’s like Anaconda meets Passenger 57?” Or, “It’s like Hard to Kill meets that snake scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark.” Is there anyone who doubts that the guy who wrote this movie is NOT adding it to his resume?

Another aside: does anybody realize that this was the premise behind one of the worst sketches in Saturday Night Live history? I can’t find any record of it on the Web, but passengers kept getting updates from the cockpit that there was a snake on the plane… then it was a venomous snake… then it was multiple snakes. It was a bad SNL sketch. It’s going to be much worse as a movie.

I mean, jeez, what was Samuel L. Jackson thinking when he accepted the role? And what the hell are Juliana Marguiles and Kenan Thompson doing in the same movie? Is this a sign of the apocalypse? Is it raining frogs where you are?

Enough rhetorical questions. I now realize that a third of this entry are random queries, posted to you, my faithful readers, who probably A) don’t give a flying crap, or B) are potentially talking to the computer screen, half-drunk, trying to answer. Either way, we’ll get through this together. Perhaps Jackson will sign on to the story of Lewis, the psycho cat. I’m thinking of a title, Lewis: The Psycho Cat.

It’s gold, Jerry. Gold!

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Categories: Movies
  1. March 29, 2006 at 10:28 pm

    I did find the SNL skit. It did exist. John Goodman was the host. http://snl.jt.org/detail.php?i=6228

  2. Nipsey
    March 30, 2006 at 5:48 pm

    Marv Albert! That is EXACTLY what I was thinking. You know me way, way too well.

  1. April 5, 2006 at 10:11 pm
  2. June 6, 2006 at 9:31 am
  3. July 17, 2006 at 5:03 pm

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