Home > Sports, TV > Billy Packer drinking games: The only way to enjoy March Madness

Billy Packer drinking games: The only way to enjoy March Madness

The esteemed website administrator for Sweet Monkey Pie, my boy B-Dizzle, set me up a couple of months ago with Google Analytics, which allows me to view reports on website visitors, page views and other trends. It’s all the info that you would ever want to know about website traffic in easy graphical form. It is, in a word, the shiznit.

From a recent report, I realized that I’m getting a LOT of traffic from an earlier post that referenced a drinking game based on the pedantic patterns of CBS’ college basketball analyst Billy Packer. It makes sense. People throughout the USA – possibly the world – are trying to figure out how to enjoy a game while the nattering naybob of negativity hits new highs (or lows).

My original advice was:

Take one shot whenever he says that a team on the wrong side of scoring run should take a time out. Take two shots when he “really questionsâ€? why the coach isn’t calling the time out when the Great Packer says that he should. Chug a fifth of Beam when the timeout is called, only to have Packer say, “I think he was one possession too late.â€? Sure, you’ll pass out, but if you continue to listen, blood will be pouring from your ears. Nobody needs that.

Well, it turns out that I was very late to the party. In 1997, a genius named Thomas Cunnigham came up with a definitive Billy Packer drinking game on a Google Groups post (ahhh, Google. Is there anything you can’t do?). His rules are solid, although a few are a little esoteric. My favorite: “Take one drink if Billy asserts that all the problems the losing team has stem from their inability to deal with a) the box and one or b) the 2-3 zone.”

However, reading the list, I can think of a few more that we need to add to the list. Here are a few good additions:

* Pick a piece of criticism that Packer levels on each team during the first half. For instance, he might say that Team A isn’t getting the center involved enough; Team B isn’t good enough to play man-to-man. Now, you have to drink a shot every time he points out something that “proves” his point. You know… with 4:00 to go, they’ll show a graphic that Team A’s center is averaging 22 ppg, but he currently has just 12. You just KNOW that the Packer is going to bring up his original point. Because he’s so smart!! Oh, and warning: this rule might put you in the hospital for alcohol poisoning. Kids, do not try this at home.

* Drink two shots whenever Billy Packer makes a blatantly bad factual error. For instance, while commenting on a UNC game following the first Duke-UNC game, Packer mentioned how the Tar Heels needed to rebound better since they were out-rebounded by Duke. Yeah… except UNC had a 45-26 rebounding edge in that game. Nice try, Pack.

* Chug a beer when Billy brings up a player who A) played at least a decade before you were born, or B) you’ve never, ever heard of (although you routinely watch hundreds of games each season). Chug another beer if you’ve never heard of the school he references.

* This is a sneaky game. Don’t tell anyone you’re playing it, but if you’re in a group of people watching a Packer-ized game, wait for someone to say, “Man, he just hates [insert school name here].” Take three shots while giggling to yourself. Because as a friend of mine once said, “Billy Packer is the only commentator who can make both fan bases think he hates their school more.”

* I haven’t figured out how to turn this into a drinking game yet, but Billy used to star in regional commercials for the seedy Mr. Cash check-cashing services. Somehow, though, it seemed right. So, maybe mention Mr. Cash in a group of people whenever Billy is prattling on, and if anyone nods in appreciation, you buy that person a beer.

Those are just some of the new rules I could come up with. Feel free to add your own! Let’s make this the best place for any Billy Packer-related drinking games.

Whatever the case is, I’m sure we’ll all have more fun watching games this weekend. Provided we don’t all black out and miss the backend of doubleheaders. Salud!

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Categories: Sports, TV
  1. Batchdog17
    March 22, 2006 at 8:48 am

    So, every night on my drive home, I turn to 1490AM to listen to Billy Packer’s son, Mark. I can’t figure out how one of Packer’s offspring can be so different from his old man. I mean, I really enjoy listening to the Packman talk about sports in the South and he has some really good points. Sure he is a Herb Sendek apologist and he gradeated from Clempson, but he is soooo different from dear ol’ dad.

    Check out his pic though and you see the Packer family resemblance. http://www.packsmack.com.

    I would love to see a side-by-side transcript of a game that both Packer and Vitale call. I think the UNC-Dook game had that.. Vitale for ESPN, Packer for Raycom. If someone can come up with that…. wow!

    Last rant… what is up with Raycom’s graphics?! I mean, is there no better graphics package they can get? It looks so homemade and amateurish! I have seen college TV stations with better graphics. Somebody make a phone call to these guys and get them out of 1988!

  2. July 23, 2007 at 5:04 am

    This is exactly what I expected to find out after reading the title Billy Packer drinking games: The only way to enjoy March Madness. Thanks for informative article

  1. February 8, 2007 at 10:31 pm
  2. March 27, 2008 at 9:04 pm
  3. January 4, 2010 at 1:03 am

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