Home > Sports, TV > Bloggin' the Olympics: Will it ever end?

Bloggin' the Olympics: Will it ever end?

We’re on the backside of watching the Olympics. If the first half-hour didn’t take your will to live, we’ll see what the second half can do. Give me strength to keep going.

9:28:20 PM – We’re going to the pairs free skate. A Chinese couple – Shen and Zhao – take the ice. Apparently the guy had an injury that jeopardized their chances in this Olympics. Maybe he went hunting with Dick Cheney. [cue rimshot] Thank you, thank you! Now put your hands together and welcome to the stage… FOGHAT!!!

9:29:46 PM – Damn, dude just threw the chick about 15 feet. I don’t like this sport too much, but that’s pretty impressive.

9:30:08 PM – Who picks out the music for them? Can we get somebody to skate to “Funkytown?â€? Hell, if they could dance to “Back Stabberâ€? by the O’Jays, I’d make a gold medal of my own and fly to Torino to give it to them.

9:31:13 PM – OK, each routine takes 4:30. Yippee. That’s a little too long. And here we go… a tempo change. It’s faster. So, they skate faster. Another toss. “A wonderful landing!â€? Is that Dick Buttons I hear? Sweet monkey pie, this is getting good!!! Has anyone ever seen the Saturday Night Live sketch from the 80s where Tom Hanks plays the worst figure skater of all time? Phil Hartman as Dick Buttons was great. I’d give anything to see that one again.

9:32:15 PM – I will say that this guy is wearing one of the manlier costumes you’ll see in figure skating. A modicum of bangles and sequins. Basic black. Elvis would wear that outfit in 1973. That’s not a high compliment, I know, but take it for what it’s worth.

9:33:14 PM – Apparently, the guy blew out an Achilles or something a few years ago. And he grimaces at the end of the routine. Good camera work to catch that.

9:33:58 PM – Buttons: “In my book, they have an Olympic medal.â€? Well, the Dick has spoken. Let it be so.

9:34:41 PM – They’re in the “smile and waveâ€? booth. Shen and Zhao are in first place for now.

9:35:21 PM – Another commercial. I was wondering. It’s been seven minutes. I was starting to get the shakes.

9:38:25 PM – And we’re back!! Savchenko and Svolkowny from Germany? Russia? I missed it. No idea if I spelled his name right. She’s a bit of a hottie, though. I caught that.

9:39:24 PM – This guy has an even better outfit on. Not even any noticeable sequences. Well played. Unfortuantely, Savchenko is wearing one of Raquel Welsh’s outfits from One Million Years B.C. If you don’t know, IMDB it.

9:41:27 PM – Dick Buttons just took them to task for lacking “sparkâ€? and “originality.â€? That’s GOTTA hurt.

9:41:50 PM – This guys throwing this girl around like Ike threw Tina. And why couldn’t they skate to “Proud Mary?â€?

9:42:35 PM – This reminds me of my favorite moment watching figure skating. In college, my dorm-mates and I would turn off the sound on the TV and play another song for the skater. I mean, who needs to hear the tunes they pick out? So, Tonya Harding danced to the country tune, “Queen of My Double-wide Trailer.â€? It really fit. I highly recommend it.

9:43:30 PM – Buttons: “It was a very pleasing performance.â€?

9:44:11 PM – Funny moment. They were waiting for more applause. It sorta died down, so they turned to another side of the arena. More tepid response. Uh, get out!!

9:45:06 PM – I take that back. Upon further review, the girl is only a tiny bit a hottie.

9:45:21 PM – Whatever. The German/Russian team — whoever they are — are toast. The Americans have a shot at a medal, though. And that was the tease on the way to the commercial

9:45:40 PM – The Apprentice is coming back. I’ll definitely have to watch an episode of that. I loathe that show. Should make for an interesting diary.

9:47:13 PM – SWEET MONKEY PIE, DO ALL COMMERCIALS SUCK?????? Can we get at least one halfway interesting one?

9:47:36 PM – Inoue and Baldwin, the American pair, take the ice. Apparently, they are the first couple to perform a thrown triple Axel. But they start out with this guy double-footing his first regular jump. “That’s a shame,â€? Buttons said. Indeeeeeeed.

9:48:57 PM – Their jumps aren’t sequenced. This is like a big artistic, icy trainwreck.

9:49:38 PM – Inoue had lung cancer several years ago. There’s a human interest story. And during the Sydney games of 2000, we would have been subjected to a tear-jerking 10-minute puff piece about that. This year, nada. Good job, NBC.

9:50:42 PM – Here comes the throw triple Axel. Oh… she fell! Bad fall. Damn, that’s harsh.

9:51:58 PM – Whoever the female announcer is just called this a “valiant performance.â€? This is skating, right?

9:52:16 PM – If this routine would end, I’d be the happiest guy in the world.

9:52:49 PM – What can I say about that routine that hasn’t been said about the gout?

9:54:35 PM – Here come the scores… good for 3rd place right now. But all the good pairs have yet to skate. Inoue and Baldwin’s shot for the Wheaties box is slipping away.

9:55:03 PM – And more commercials. NBC, are you making enough money on the Olympics? You think so? Seriously? I mean, you could rob a bank if you need to.

9:56:00 PM – Well, this commercial will take us through the hour, and frankly, I’m sick of this night. I should have picked another day of competition, maybe. But, then I’d miss the glory and dignity that is Dick Buttons commenting on figure skating. And that makes watching approximately 98 mediocre commercials worthwhile.

Categories: Sports, TV
  1. alt4unc
    February 15, 2006 at 4:53 pm

    Hey, little bro! See, I do read your blog, but it took an Olympic-size entry for me to respond. Do you really still like the Olympics? You crack me up! So, it’s killing me that NBC has poached “The Dick,” as in Button, from ABC. I mean, really, the one advantage to having the Games on NBC was NOT having to cringe every time Dick calls someone “special” or insults/laughs at some poor individual whose lifelong dream has just gone up in flames (or ice). By the way, female commentator is Sandra Bezic, former Canadian pairs skater and choreographer best known for work with Kristi Yamaguchi. My, how I miss her! OK! Keep up the blogging. I hope the Olympics improve for you. By the way, the commercials do suck!

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