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Basketball mem'ries… like the corners of my mind

OK, this is an in-game blog. UNC is playing at Maryland, and it’s not good. I would write more about it, but I don’t think I have the stomach for it. This game is ugly like Aunt Esther. It’s ugly like Roseanne Barr doing a pole dance. It’s ugly like… well, a bad middle school game.

Yep, the worst game I ever saw was in the fall of 1985. Since I was pretty much Emmanual Lewis-sized as a middle schooler, I didn’t play basketball in junior high, but I did serve as the official scorekeeper. My first game was a girls’ contest. My alma mater, Charity Middle School, against Chinquapin Middle School. Two nowhere North Carolina schools playing in a Depression-era, ramshackle gym. Yeah, big time, baby.

The teams take the floor, and you can just tell a stinker is coming. Our point guard couldn’t dribble with her left hand. At all. The other team’s point guard was wearing Reebok aerobic shoes (this was the mid-80s, after all). Trouble is, these shoes had no traction on the polished wood floor. She stops! She slides! She travels!! We get the ball, and our point guard dribbles to her right… and further to her right… until she reaches the sideline. She throws a desperation pass. It’s picked off. Pass to the Chinquapin floor leader. Stop, slide, whistle. Back to Charity. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Luckily, I was only responsible for tracking shots, fouls and timeouts. If I had the dreaded sheet that I faced when I worked in sports info in college (turnovers, assists, steals and blocks), I would have had carpal tunnel syndrome.

The final score? 11-8. This was after four eight-minute quarters. Am I looking forward to watching my kid’s youth-league games? Abso-damn-lutely.

Oh, but the funny thing is, our boys’ team was a juggernaut. The frontline was 6-1, 6-2 and 6-3 — at 13 years old. I almost burned out my pencil keeping score of this one. Alvin Pratt took the opening tip and dunked the ball. Dunked it! The final of that one was 72-10. Quite a different experience.

Enough of the stroll down amnesia lane. Back to tonight’s game. At one point, UNC had 11 turnovers in 11 minutes. You know, I was never good at math, but I can see that the Heels are on pace for 40 turnovers. That is… how you say… craptacular. Meanwhile, Maryland is throwing up more aimless bombs than you’ll find at a Jim Varney film festival. In fact, I think Ernest is reffing this game, to boot. This is just pathetic.

In other news, the co-creator of the Sweet Monkey Pie experience – Nipsey – continues to gain more prominence on the CBS Sportsline page. He’s the featured columnist tonight with an article about how difficult it is to pick his Steelers in the Super Bowl, due to the dreaded jinx effect. Since his last column compared the Steelers experience to Boogie Nights, I’m sure the editors are a bit more relieved with this effort.

Back to the game. I’m feeling a bit queasy. ‘cuz this game is ugly… like Weezy.

Categories: Sports
  1. Skipper B. (Cube 215B)
    February 3, 2006 at 3:00 pm

    And yet, the headline on the official Tarheel athletic website reads, “Heels POWER Past Terps 77-62.”

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