Home > Leftovers, Movies > 2005: A Year in the Rearview

2005: A Year in the Rearview

It’s that time of year, when every person with a column, blog, bully pulpit, etc. takes a stab at reflecting on the news of the year. As I considered doing the same, a part of me said, let’s buck that trend and not do a year-end recap. The other part of me chimed in, saying, it’s been eight days since I’ve blogged, and because of the near-constant gorging on turkey and mac-and-cheese, my brain is essentially mush.

So, on to the year-end recap we go. But, I refuse to just list the events and provide some commentary. I’m going to do something a little less trite and tired and use quotes from one of my favorite movies (Coming to America) to illustrate the top stories in entertainment, sports and the news in general. Why? Because I saw Coming to America on HBO9 the other night, and all of these quotes are stuck in my head. My dementia is your gain.

Prince Akeem: I am very happy to be here!
Rev. Brown: Amen! Yes, sir! Can I get an “Amen”? Ha! Ha! I don’t know you what you come to do, but *I* come to praise the name! Lord, Lord!

This quote goes to Michael Jackson, who was somehow found not guilty on child molestation charges earlier this year. I like to think that there was a similar exchange between Jacko and his spiritual advisors when he was set free. I also like to imagine that somewhere, OJ Simpson, Robert Blake and Michael are sitting around, drinking Krystal, and toasting the stupidity of the judicial system.

Reverend Brown: Girl, you look so good, someone ought to put you on a plate and sop you up with a biscuit.

This quote goes out to Maria Sharapova. Her camera commercial just came on the TV. Mmmmmmmmmm…. Sharapova. Oh, and by the way, check out ESPN the Magazine and Sports Illustrated for Sharapova pics… and see if you ever find one that doesn’t show cleavage. Apparently she’s always chasing drop shots. Not that I want them to stop. Nosiree. Mmm mmm mmm… wait, where am I? Blacked out there for a second.

Prince Akeem: Fascinating. Semmi, look at this. America is great indeed. Imagine a country so free, you can throw out broken glass on the streets.

This ‘un’s for former FEMA director Michael Brown. I’m still looking for a quote with more venom for this vacuous bag of bureaucratic bullshit. Wait, maybe that’s what I was looking for. Whew… feel better now.

Maurice: Hey, I started out mopping the floor just like you guys. But now… now I’m washing lettuce. Soon I’ll be on fries; then the grill. And pretty soon, I’ll make assistant manager, and that’s when the big bucks start rolling in

Delivered by a “slim” Louie Anderson circa 1988 (probably a svelte 250), this quote goes to Kanye West, who referenced the quote above in his song, “Gold Digger.” Kanye had a breakout year, and in a great example of how the political climate in the country has changed, he called George W. Bush a racist on national TV during a Hurricane Katrina relief telethon… and felt absolutely no ill effects. Sure, I wouldn’t want to see how badly he’ll be audited in 2006. But, he’s more popular than ever. Unlike W.

Clarence: Hey, what’s up, brother? You a little late for the Christmas pageant.
King Jaffe Joffer: I am King Jaffe Joffer, ruler of Zamunda.
Clarence: Have a seat. Chair number two will be ready in a second.

While I’m venting about the current administration, I thought this was good for W. and his, uh, unique method of diplomacy. Check this gem out from his remarks alongside the prime minister of Luxembourg and the president of the EU: “In terms of your Prime Minister, he’s a — interesting guy. He’s a lot of fun to be around. He promotes, uhh, serious business in a, in a, in a way that, uhh, endears himself to people. And so, uhh, I think his presidency has been an important presidency for the EU during difficult times, and he’s handled it well. And, umm, I was gonna say he’s a piece of work, but that might not translate too well. Is that all right, if I call you a piece of work?” If you haven’t gone to www.dubyaspeak.com, do so. There’s more where that came from.

Clarence: Oh there they go. There they go, every time I start talkin ’bout boxing, a white man got to pull Rocky Marciano out their ass. That’s their one, that’s their one. Rocky Marciano. Rocky Marciano. Let me tell you something once and for all. Rocky Marciano was good, but compared to Joe Louis, Rocky Marciano ain’t shit.

I’m not sure who this goes out to, but this is a great scene. Absolutely fantastic scene. My buddy Jon and I can recite the entire thing word-for-word. And I am not scared about that in the least bit.

Prince Akeem: So, you would share your bed, and your fortune, with a beautiful fool?
Semmi: That is the way it has always been with men of power. It is tradition.

Donald Trump got married again, right? That was this year, right? I’m tired of fact-checking. I think it was to some tall, blonde 20-something girl named Melania who was undoutedly a “classy dame,” to use The Donald’s language.

Sweets: That boy’s good!
Clarence: Mmmm hmmm. Good and terrible.

This one goes out to Jamie Foxx who followed up his Oscar-winning performance in Ray with the 2005 film Stealth. In this movie, he and Jessica Biel try to out-smart military aircraft that can think on their own and are attempting to… oh, who gives a crap. Call it Ishtar on a plane. Is Foxx letting Ben Affleck screen his scripts?

Prince Akeem: What does dumb fuck mean?

Wait, I take back the Michael Brown quote from above. This is for Brownie. Who’s now finally doing a heckuva job.

Oha: [singing] She’s your Queen-to-be. A Queen-to-be forever. A Queen who’ll do whatever his highness desires. She’s your Queen-to-be. A vision of perfection. An object of affection to quench your royal fire. Completely free from infection. To be used at your discretion. Waiting only for your direction. Your Queen-to-be.

For Tom Cruise, this little ditty sung by the king’s chief of staff in honor of Prince Akeem’s upcoming nuptials. TomKat, the magical combination of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, was a hot story this year. Built on their mutual attraction to Tom Cruise, this couple burst onto the scene over the summer. Tom then went clinically insane and broke the “any news is good news” postulate by actually crippling his movie’s box office through his insane rantings.

What I really dig about the TomKat news is how divisive it is. Want to have fun? Try to defend Tom’s position on this issue to a woman. Use these two rationales: 1) the age difference isn’t that bad. Cher was dating a pool boy when she was in her 40s, and the world didn’t spin off its axis. 2) Katie is hot, tall, and, uh, hot. Then, sit back, watch their eyes roll back in their head, and duck (just to be safe). This is the most explosive subject since the Jennifer Love Hewitt argument that dang near doomed millions of healthy relationships in the late 90s. Guys like JLH. Women think she’s untalented and, somehow, pure evil. Good times…

King Jaffe Joffer: So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea.

This quote goes out to all UNC Tar Heel fans. One moment, you’re following the best basketball team in the land. The next, you’re watching the David Noel era kick off. Love… nausea. All in a two-week period that saw Carolina lose four undergraduates to the first 14 picks of the draft and three more to graduation. The bright side of this story is that the Heels have been more competitive than expected. No more nausea. Just a sense of uneasiness. I’ll take it.

Randy Watson: Let’s hear for my band, Sexual Chocolate.

One last quote here. I’m at a loss… anybody have some thoughts for this one?

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Categories: Leftovers, Movies
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