Home > Friends of SMP > A Skeeter by any other name…

A Skeeter by any other name…

In an earlier post about Skeeter, I mentioned that he had more than one nickname. Well, the first came from his near-crippling addiction to NASCAR. The second? Because — and this shouldn’t be much of a surprise — he is quite possibly the whitest man in the world.

I’m not talking skin tone or anything here. He’s no albino. This is all about his inability to grasp and absorb anything to do with hip hop culture. I first noticed this ailment when he and I attended a tradeshow in Miami. As I sometimes do, I lapsed into my “pitiful white guy talking like an urban youth” routine. A standby is to “Shizzilate” text, using the tried-and-true method of adding “iz” or a derivative to a word. For example, a girl isn’t phat, she’s phizat. And if you’re not sure what phat means, you might need a Run D-M-See and Say.

Back to Skeeter. As we opened the tradeshow booth, I mentioned that our company was “in the hizouse!” I then had to translate that this meant that we were in the house. Then, I had to explain to him that “in the house” meant that we had merely arrived at our destination. It was the hip hop version of the Miracle Worker. Imagine me talking loudly into his hand… “Hizouse! Hiz-ouse!” It was kinda like that, just less weird.

Soon, Skeeter started to say, “in the hizouse” but it kept coming out “his-house.” For three straight days, he never got any better. You can take the boy out of Western North Carolina, but… you know the rest.

About a year later, Skeeter dropped by my desk and asked, with absolute conviction, what the word “crunk” meant. A few days later, he asked what a “holla back girl” was. I kept steering him to the Web (teach a man to fish, and all). Sometimes, he would provide book report-esque answers. “Crunk, as I understand it, is a form of urban music pioneered in the South.”

(It reminded me of the Johnny Carson spoof on SNL where Carson started channeling Arsenio to steal back the 18-35 demographic. “It’s not called a band anymore, it’s called a ‘posse’! Weird, wild stuff!” Click here for the entire transcript – it’s worth it.)

Then, his son started repeating phrases from the wildly popular “Chappelle’s Show.” God bless public schools. But, Skeeter was aghast. The kid’s favorite turned out to be the Lil’ John scenes in which the rapper (one of the pioneers of crunk, oddly enough) would scream three words as his sole form of communication: “What?” “Yeah!” “Okay!” Skeeter comes home after a day of being heckled for his lack of hip hop knowledge — and he has a Lil’ John impersonator at the dinner table. Good times… good times…

So, it was around that time when I found a new name for Skeeter. It was quite simple, really. A man this white should be called………. Snowflake. It will never supplant Skeeter, but it was a good addition to the tool bag.

At least it looks like his son will have some soul… some flava. Perhaps the horrificy uber-Caucasian gene skips generations. Until then, we’ll keep explaining things to Snowflake when he accidently turns the channel to BET some nights. What? Yeah! Okay!!

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Categories: Friends of SMP
  1. TonyS Fan
    October 30, 2006 at 5:26 pm

    Re-read…. damn this is funny….

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