Let's jump on the SEO speedwagon

Since I’ve been running (more or less) a website for a few months now, I’m starting to see the importance of search engine optimization – also known as SEO. Of course, I typically write these things without thinking about SEO… or even if they make sense, for that matter. Who benefits? You, my loyal readers. Both of you.

But, in the interest of stirring things up a bit, I’m going to write an entire blog based on the the top 15 search criteria used on Google’s site. By the time this is done, this entry will be so “keyword richâ€? that you’ll need a glass of milk to wash it down. And yes, that may have been the worst analogy ever written. Off we go.

Let’s see… how to do this. I’m looking at the list, and it’ll be hard to synthesize these terms. But, I’m a professional writer. Granted, it’s typically for marketing material for a software company. A pro’s a pro, though. That rhymed! OK, I’m stalling.

Well, one of my favorite people in the world is Whitney Houston and her crazy, crack-riddled ass. She’s been in the news lately due to some revelations by a relative that Whitney is still America’s favorite crack ho. You know who hasn’t been doing crack lately? Jill Carroll, the Christian Science Monitor reporter who was recently freed in Iraq. Unless she had some of the zaniest captors ever. That would have been weird. Almost as weird as Jill Carroll and Whitney Houston in the same paragraph.

Speaking of cool, Ice Age 2 was a huge hit this weekend. The film stars Ray Ramano and her majesty, Queen Latifah. I didn’t see the original, but I have a four-year-old. And that day will soon come. The success of Ice Age 2 stood in stark contrast to another sequel, Basic Instinct 2.

Why they waited a decade or so to remake this, I have no idea. This movie, with Sharon Stone and Michael Douglas in 1995? Gold. Now? The moviegoing public let out a collective, “Wha?â€? It’s like a bad April Fool’s Joke. Even with a bizarre publicity push by Sharon Stone and her crazy, age-riddled ass, the movie bombed in its first week. I mean, the movie barely finished ahead of the theatrical nightmare by Larry the Cable Guy. And I’m just happy that he isn’t a top-tier search term. I’d have to move to Canada.

I wonder if Canada observes Daylight Savings Time. Maybe so. I could look it up, but nah… that’s for wimps. I thought for a second that Naomi Watts, the fetching actress from King Kong, was from Canada. But The Wife tells me she’s from Australia. And apparently a good friend of Nicole Kidman. Naomi Watts shouldn’t be confused with Naomi Campbell, by the way, even tho’ Ms. Campbell is quite fetching, too. I asked if Ms. Campbell is from Canada. Another no from my spouse. As you can see, my wife watches more E! television than me.

Speaking of E!, I saw a quick item about some artist that crafted a Britney Spears sculpture, which depicts Mrs. Federline on her hands and knees, buck naked and giving birth. It was quite unsettling. I’m sure the people in the gallery were hoping for a solar eclipse to come by and blot out the sun. It’s quite bizarre.

Not quite as bizarre as the sad, gripping story that continues to come out about the Duke lacrosse team. It’s been interesting to watch the legal maneuvering prior to any charges being filed. I hope they can pin the charges on the right person. By the way, the president of the NCAA has gone on the record and said that the conduct at the party was “inappropriate.” Thanks for weighing in, Mr. Brand. Are you also against hate crimes and clubbing baby seals?

Also in the world of sports, the Kraft Nabisco Championship took place this past weekend. Karrie Webb beat Lorena Ochoa in a playoff. Naturally, folks on the web were searching for information on… Michelle Wie and Natalie Gulbis. One’s a striking young golfer from Hawaii. The next is a hot, young golfer from…ah, who cares. Check out this picture!

The one item on the list that I couldn’t work into any story is Tori Spelling. She’s back in the news? Wow… that’s crazy. Wait, she has a reality show. Shocker! However since her Google search term doesn’t include “homemade sex tapeâ€? or “Brian Austin Green,â€? it’s not worth the effort.

Hope everyone’s enjoyed a trip on the SEO side. Sweet monkey pie, that was difficult. Oh, and just in case it helps… Pamela Anderson Tommy Lee Sex Video! Hope all my new readers enjoyed this one. It was hell to write. But chock full of keyword optimizing goodness.