More TV madness: I'm taking on 24

It’s that time again… I’m watching an episode of another show I don’t watch. This week, it’s 24. I know Kiefer Southerland’s involved, and 98% of my friends watch. It should be good times. Here we go.

8:59:51 PM – Promo for Skating with Celebrities just finished. One word. Awful. I see that Kristi Swanson cut her chin this week. Luckily, it wasn’t from a violent run-in with Todd Bridges.

9:00:14 PM – Previously on 24. Russians are involved… they’ve taken over a homeland. There are some troubles in the Balkans, maybe.

9:00:54 PM – Nerve gas?

9:01:28 PM – I know from the promos that Kiefer is Jack Bauer. And he pretended to be dead. Now he’s not. I’m already way ahead of my knowledge than I was with Lost.

9:01:47 PM – My god, the recap is longer than some shows. And I still don’t know what’s going on.

9:01:59 PM – This is from noon to 1 p.m. Lunch time! Maybe Jack will go to Shoney’s.

9:02:18 PM – Nerve gas. Novic. President. Hey, Jean Smart’s in the credits. And it’s Sean Astin from Rudy! Rudy! Rudy! Rudy!

9:02:52 PM – Rudy must be pretty high up. They’re all deferring to him.

9:03:04 PM – Rudy: “this is about finding the nerve gas.â€? This is what’s known as a topic sentence in 11th-grade composition class.

9:03:37 PM – Cute blonde analyst had a pseudo moment with Jack. “I’m just getting used to you being alive.â€? Apparently some dude named Cummings is coming after Jack. Alan Cummings, perhaps. That would be fun. If she blurted out that hit phrase from Brokeback Mountain — “Why can’t I quit you???” — I’d hand an Emmy to the entire show right now.

9:04:29 PM – Some guy… whoever… knows where the nerve gas is.

9:04:39 PM – Dude with an accent must be a terrorist. They’re sending the nerve gas to Moscow.

9:05:00 PM – Damn, I’m confused.

9:05:07 PM – Some dude lost his wife?

9:05:36 PM – Oh great. They’re watching a video of a guy going through a nerve gas attack. Or as I like to call it, “Dick Cheney’s Funniest Home Videos.â€? Hiiiioooooo!

9:06:15 PM – Nerve gas is lost. Oh, the dude with the missing wife is the president. Whodathunkit? Maybe Betty Ford is the wife and she’s on a bender. Or, if you’re a Republican, change that to Kitty Dukakis. Everyone good? Moving on…

9:07:05 PM – Jack’s on the phone. Scary bald guy with 80s-style glasses (named “Mikeâ€?) isn’t comfortable with all the secrecy. Aren’t you in the wrong line of work?

9:07:42 PM – Mike has a very oddly shaped head.

9:07:49 PM – Hey, it’s the redhead from Spin City.

9:08:12 PM – Redhead says, “You’re not coming back to us, are you?â€? Hell no, it’s lunch time, girl!

9:08:48 PM – blah blah blah. Jack and redheaded chick from Spin City are talking about some other girl. Unless the girl is naked and in the next scene, I could care less.

9:09:33 PM – The wife just noticed that Spin City girl’s watch said that it’s 6:10. Good catch!

9:09:50 PM – A government official is using a Mac? Whaaaaaa?

9:10:09 PM – Scary guy in the shadows is ordering around lackey dude. It’s 12:10 and there’s only one thing that shadow guy can do. I’m guessing it involves Jack… bullets… bullets going at Jack… explosions… screaming.

9:11:02 PM – First commercial break. I miss Lost.

9:13:37 PM – And we’re back from commercical.

9:14:17 PM – Jean Smart is the First Lady. And she’s got a screw loose. Or does she?

9:15:08 PM – So, First Lady thinks that something’s amiss in the administration. I’m guessing it might have something to do with nerve gas. Or something.

9:16:04 PM – Some dude just set a timebomb… I’m guessing with the nerve gas. In a shipping container. Shoulda used FedEx.

9:17:19 PM – I flipped over to ESPN for a sec. At least that made sense.

9:17:42 PM – We’re back. Redhead asked cute blonde analyst if she still had feelings for Jack. Catfight?

9:18:06 PM – Naw, redhead says Jack still loves the blonde girl. “If you don’t love him, let him go.â€? What kind of ploy is that? Catfight??? Nope. That was way too tender and caring.

9:18:44 PM – Blonde girl’s name is Audrey. She’s having an awkward conversation with Jack on the phone. She wants to know if Jack is coming back. He doesn’t know. Audrey wants to know if Jack still loves her. Jack: “I never stopped loving you. Not for one second.â€? Awww, she’s crying.

9:20:00 PM – Jack: “I gotta go.â€? It’s tough to have involved meaningful conversations when you’re saving the world every 30 minutes.

9:20:56 PM – Secret service guy is telling the president that the First Lady is a bit freaked out and why. Didn’t catch exactly what he said. Doesn’t really matter.

9:21:40 PM – Turncoat guy is turning on Jack (as his name would imply). Tells the president that he actually leaked the information. Is this a reenactment of several of the last White House scandals from the Reagan, Clinton and Bush (x2) administrations?

9:22:41 PM – There’s a elaborate plan to prove that WMD is available in Central Asia. And this will allow the US to add troops in the area and, as a side-benefit, ensure that oil is available for generations. OK… this all sounds familiar.

9:23:59 PM – Benedict Arnold’s name is Walt. He’s telling the president that he’s doomed to follow his orders.

9:24:29 PM – President looks a little freaked out.

9:24:36 PM – Next commercial break. This is one of the least entertaining shows I’ve ever watched.